I always find this time of year difficult. I don’t know whether other people realise this or not. I do my best to hide it, because in all honesty I am both embarrassed and angry at the reason.
Or lack of. It’s complicated. Here it is in a nut shell. My Mum got pregnant by my Dad, he didn’t want me. I grew up thinking my step Dad was my Dad. When I found out he wasn’t I contacted my biological Dad and it turned out he still didn’t want me.
When my Mum and Step Dad separated (for good reasons). I ended up without a Dad completely. I’ve spent most of my life Fatherless and I hate this affects me now. Today. At thirty two bloody years old.
But it does.
Christmas is hard for me. I feel it at other times throughout the year too, but Christmas is when it stings the most. I hate to bring this into the equation but I think it is also because my Dad is black.
The loss of a relationship with him has also meant a loss of relationship half siblings, Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, Cousins etc. It has also meant a whole piece of my identity has been missing. A culture and a part of my history,and even moreso from my Son’s lives, and that right there is the bit that breaks my heart.
Your family are amazing and I couldn’t ask for more loving, considerate, caring, generous people to be in mine and the boys lives. Yeah they are a bit crazy, but they wouldn’t be your family if they weren’t. I love your family dearly. I really do. I cannot imagine my life without them in it. I am so thankful for them, they have bought me a lot of healing over the years and they have helped me become a better person than I ever thought I would be.
But, like I said at Christmas, even with all your family and all the boys it stings not to have my Dad in my life. I feel like it’s really childish and at 32 years old I should be over it, but every year. It hits me in the gut. I don’t get very festive and I think that is partly why. I feel like I have to work through it EVERY.SINGLE.YEAR.
I recently heard a song by Kelly Clarkson, Piece by Piece and I listened to it and broke down. I broke down for two reasons, one was how she encapsulated the heartbreak she felt. But also how she spoke about her husband. About how he was undoing the damage her Father had done and how showed her that a man can be kind and a Father can stay.
– Video sourced from Youtube
This is what I feel about you. We’ve had our ups and downs over the years, but you are my constant. Yes we’ve had hard times, but you have always fought to keep our family together. When I have wanted to throw the towel in, you have kept us together and kept us whole. Even during our brief separation we were still a family first.
You work hard for us as a family, going to university to do your Masters because you want to be able to provide for us as a family. Sometimes I think I pull away or push back, almost trying to see how much you can take before you break and walk away. Every year that passes, I get better at trusting in you and trusting in us and believing we are enough.
I’ve highlighted some of the lines from the song to explain to you how I feel about you.
I begged him to want me,
but he didn’t want to
You collected me up
Off the ground,
where he abandoned things
You restore my faith
They’ll will never have to wonder
You’ll never walk away,
You’ll never break their heart
You’ll take care of things,
You’ll love them
Piece by piece,
You restored my faith
That a man can be kind
and the father should be great