An Open Letter To My Husband | Piece by Piece

Dear Sean,

I always find this time of year difficult. I don’t know whether other people realise this or not. I do my best to hide it, because in all honesty I am both embarrassed and angry at the reason.

My Dad.

Or lack of. It’s complicated. Here it is in a nut shell. My Mum got pregnant by my Dad, he didn’t want me. I grew up thinking my step Dad was my Dad. When I found out he wasn’t I contacted my biological Dad and it turned out he still didn’t want me.

When my Mum and Step Dad separated (for good reasons). I ended up without a Dad completely. I’ve spent most of my life Fatherless and I hate this affects me now. Today. At thirty two bloody years old.

But it does.

Christmas is hard for me. I feel it at other times throughout the year too, but Christmas is when it stings the most. I hate to bring this into the equation but I think it is also because my Dad is black.

The loss of a relationship  with him has also meant a loss of relationship half siblings, Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, Cousins etc. It has also meant a whole piece of my identity has been missing. A culture and a part of my history,and  even moreso from my Son’s lives, and that right there is the bit that breaks my heart.

Your family are amazing and I couldn’t ask for more loving, considerate, caring, generous people to be in mine and the boys lives. Yeah they are a bit crazy, but they wouldn’t be your family if they weren’t. I love your family dearly. I really do. I cannot imagine my life without them in it. I am so thankful for them, they have bought me a lot of healing over the years and they have helped me become a better person than I ever thought I would be.

But, like I said at Christmas, even with all your family and all the boys it stings not to have my Dad in my life. I feel like it’s really childish and at 32 years old I should be over it, but every year. It hits me in the gut. I don’t get very festive and I think that is partly why. I feel like I have to work through it EVERY.SINGLE.YEAR.

I recently heard a song by Kelly Clarkson, Piece by Piece and I listened to it and broke down. I broke down for two reasons, one was how she encapsulated the heartbreak she felt. But also how she spoke about her husband. About how he was undoing the damage her Father had done and how showed her that a man can be kind and a Father can stay.

 

– Video sourced from Youtube

 

This is what I feel about you. We’ve had our ups and downs over the years, but you are my constant. Yes we’ve had hard times, but you have always fought to keep our family together. When I have wanted to throw the towel in, you have kept us together and kept us whole. Even during our brief separation we were still a family first.

You work hard for us as a family, going to university to do your Masters because you want to be able to provide for us as a family. Sometimes I think I pull away or push back, almost trying to see how much you can take before you break and walk away. Every year that passes, I get better at trusting in you and trusting in us and believing we are enough.

I’ve highlighted some of the lines from the song to explain to you how I feel about you.

I begged him to want me,

but he didn’t want to

You collected me up

Off the ground,

where he abandoned things

You restore my faith

They’ll will never have to wonder

their worth

You’ll never walk away,

You’ll never break their heart

You’ll take care of things,

You’ll love them

Piece by piece,

You restored my faith

That a man can be kind

and the father should be great

I know we’re not really the romantic, soppy type. Please know I love you. That I am thankful for you and that I appreciate
all that you do.
Because even though these are things you should do, as my father proved they aren’t things you have to do
Thank for helping and supporting me and slowly helping me find and rebuild myself ‘Piece by piece’
Love your Wife
Cherie
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4 Comments

  1. December 12, 2017 / 9:49 am

    I can imagine how hard this must have been to write, sharing the hurt you feel so deeply. Please don’t feel it’s childish to feel this pain, you didn’t get any resolution with your Dad and the person you gave your love to in that role is no longer with you either so hurt upon hurt is bound to sting. You’re a wonderful woman, wife and mother and some of your strength is in owning these painful experiences and letting your kids know even grown ups get upset. I hope Christmas is full of joy for the 6 of you and your crazy family ;0)

    • December 12, 2017 / 8:37 pm

      Hi Nic,

      Thanks so much as always for your support it genuinely means so much to me.

      Isn’t it funny how we often tell our selves things are silly or we’re overreacting to things that if our friends shared we wouldn’t dare think that way about them.

      My Christmas will be loud, chaotic but filled with love. Just the way we like it. I hope you are yours all have an amazing time too xx

      I hope one day that I will get through a Christmas without it affecting me and I hope my boys don’t notice. I am just trying to focus on what I have and I truly have so much.

  2. December 14, 2017 / 1:07 pm

    As someone who has close relationship with her father, it hurts to read this letter. I’m sorry to hear about your Dads. I can’t imagine living a life without my Dad in it. I’m glad you have a loving family to support and love you. Sending virtual hugs your way. xx
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    • December 14, 2017 / 11:51 pm

      Hi Jane,

      Thank you for taking the time to write a response it really means a lot to me. It is really kind that you are able to feel bad for me and at the same time realise how ‘lucky’ you are to have a relationship with your Dad.

      I am sure my family will keep me busy over Christmas and I am going to focus on them and being happy. X

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