Can I Be That Mum…Again?

My Parenting Journey

I have been a parent for almost nine years. I am currently starting my fourth parenting journey, with our baby boy Ezra, who is just four months old.  It is strange, some thing has changed. I think I have broken my ‘parenting bone‘, let me explain. When we had Oliver, it was pretty darn magical. Being our first we dove right into trying to be the best parents we could be. After a pretty traumatic birth we were just thrilled that he was here and we seemed to be doing a good job.

Zachary was our rainbow baby. The calm after what had been our storm, four early miscarriages. Although we went through a difficult patch as a couple but we were able to get back on track and when Zachary was born and we became a family of four things fell right back into place. Then we had Darwin, it was interesting. He was wonderful. The timing in all honesty wasn’t the easiest. We were just at the start of Zachary’s assessment process which eventually lead to his Autism diagnosis. Which in all honesty took up more time, energy and emotional capacity than I care to really remember. At the same time there was an element of confidence as this was our third time, we weren’t exactly newbies.

Having Ezra has been both interesting and hard on many levels. He was our surprise baby, and what a wonderful surprise. He is more than I imagined he could be. He has bought real happiness and a sense of calm and completeness. I no longer desire to have anymore children, which is a feeling I never really thought I would experience, but that yearning has gone.

So, we have four boys in a two up, two down property. Space is tight. We will have moved by the time this is posted. For now though, it is what it is. Zachary has his needs due to his ASD and SPD Sensory Processing Disorder, but we deal with these pretty well. We have been dealing and adapting to these for five years now. But what has happened *As I write this, I can’t hold back the tears, its the first time I have cried about this and I cry for a while, horrible, ugly crying. The kind when you feel like you won’t ever stop.

Darwin’s Journey

What has happened involves Darwin. Darwin has a few issues. He has bilateral glue ear and at three years old has already had surgery to insert a grommet. His ear is constantly leaking a snot like discharge. He has officially been diagnosed as having a moderate to severe Speech and Language Delay, which is not linked to his glue ear. He doesn’t qualify for speech and language services, so I am sent home with sheets of paper with activities to do with him.

I am told that he needs visual ques and reminders. I am given no resources to provide these for him. We are pretty certain Darwin has Sensory Processing Disorder like his brother Zachary, as are his nursery. He certainly has sensory issues. At nursery they have an array of items and strategies in place for Darwin, including a cuddle belt, weighted lap blanket and a sensory box. He has something called TDS, Toddler Diarrhea Syndrome, Which means he doesn’t do fully formed stools.

Darwin is very different to how Zachary was at that age, He is fiercely independent, does not stop moving and, is completely motivated by his own agenda. I know that these are great attributes, but at three years old these affect his and our lives to the extend that they are now ‘officially’ cause for concern. Enough so that it warrants a referral to the CDC, Child Development Centre –  the place that diagnosed Zachary’s Autism. No one has said that he may or may not have Autism or anything like that, but there is significant cause for concern. This fills me with dread, for the foreseeable future.

Not because of a possible diagnosis, because that wouldn’t change who he is. It is because I know the fight that is coming. The fight I have already began fighting, although I’ve not really admitted it out loud, to get assessments, to get referrals, to get help. I remember it so well with Zachary. With Zachary I was that parent. I knocked on every door till someone opened it, I rang every phone till someone answered and I asked all the questions till I got the answers I wanted, no that I needed.

I was proud to be that Mum. I was praised for being that Mum. I was told Zachary wouldn’t have got half the interventions he had if I hadn’t been that Mum. It was easy with Zachary to be that Mum, I could see how much he struggled and deep down I knew it was Autism, although I doubted and questioned it, deep down I just knew.

We are in a good place with Zachary, he is in a great mainstream school. They are fantastic at ensuring his needs are being met and they make every effort to understand him and to communicate and include me in his learning and development. I am seeing changes in his confidence, academic abilities and communication. I have just reached a point where I feel I can stop holding my breath and just breathe.

Time For Work

And now…Now we are back at the beginning of another possible Special Educational Needs journey, with another son and I have a tiny baby who I just want to enjoy and a son who I feel I don’t really know or understand. Worst of all I feel like I don’t know how to understand him. I am so far removed from the parent I want to be its actually heartbreaking.

I guess I have lots of emotions about the whole thing, mainly frustration and anger and a little bit of despair. I know we have such a long journey ahead of us, we have been told it is a minimum of 12 months till he will be assessed, although that may work in our favour as a diagnosis [if needed] is more likely to be given at four than it is at three.

During that year we have to try and get him as much help and support, and gain as much knowledge and understanding about Darwin and the strategies that will ensure he gets everything he needs. It will mean lots of phone calls, letters, appointments and paperwork, oh the fucking paperwork. Ask any Parent of a child with any kind of additional need, the paperwork is enough to make you want to scream into a pillow on a regular basis.

Can I do it again

The question I have been asking myself is; ” Do I have the strength to do this again? “When I ask myself this, I feel like crying, what kind of parent asks this? A parent who feels broken. A parent who feels like she doesn’t really know what she is doing. A parent drowning in expectations, reality and paperwork. I feel some thing that I don’t know how to put into words. I feel for my son. I feel mad that he is struggling and I haven’t been able to put on my Big Girl pants and just get the fuck  on with it.

I feel angry and frustrated that I get so angry and frustrated, that it has taken me so long to admit, that this referral is needed. I feel like I have failed him. I know many people will say I haven’t but it is how I feel. I feel like I have broken my parenting bone, but its time…to put that bone in a cast. It’s time to put on those Big Girl pants and to rise up from underneath the paperwork and guilt and become that Mum…Again.

Thanks for listening to me. I hope this will help anyone in my situation who is feeling like this, to understand it is normal. I hope it will help people who know me to understand although I wear my brave face and my smile inside I am struggling, but I am  still OK. I, we will come out the other side.

♥ Feel free to share your stories with me, how you felt/dealt when a second child was considered to possibly have additional needs and how it affected you. Also if they did receive a diagnosis how did it feel compared to the first time round?


Much love and many thanks







1 Comment

  1. January 9, 2017 / 11:25 am

    You can be that mum again … in fact you already are! Your strong and 100% capable to face anything life throws at you. I admire your strength, you’ve been held it together during times when I for sure would of just fell apart. You should be proud of yourself and your boys. They’re a great set of kids and they are, the way they are because of you xx

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