The Blue Print
If you asked most people that know me, especially those on social media, they would probably describe me as a positive person. I would agree that I have a positive persona, but to those that really know me. They know I am often riddled with Self doubt and Fear.
This self doubt and fear often leads to me self sabotaging. This way of thinking had lead to me believing the things I said about myself. They became a part of the way I identified myself.
I was constantly worried that I was taking up someone else’s space, that I was using resources which would be better utilised by someone else. Someone more resourceful, talented and creative. Until I started asking “why?”
I was talking to someone about some thing unrelated to this topic when I heard the words “that kind of thing doesn’t happen to people like me!” slip right out of my mouth. My mind kind of did a double take and I had a mini internal dialogue going on where I hastily told myself “We will talk about this later” and I promptly continued my conversation.
Over the past 6 months I have slowly been watching videos and listening to podcasts focusing on positivity and having purpose. It started with minimalism and living intentionally and transpired to any motivational content.
I particularly enjoyed the documentary Minimalism and the Podcast by The Minimalists, videos by Jenny Mustard on YouTube and Allie Casazza’s podcast The Purpose Show. I then came across Candice Brathwaite on Instagram and her ingenious Teatime hosted on Instagram Stories.
I did as I said and over time I started asking myself “why?”, whenever I would think something negative and self limiting I would ask “why not me“. I wanted to find out why I felt the way I did and what exactly I meant by “people like me”.
Did I mean Women? Mixed Raced people? People with four children? What did it mean? I did the work and eventually I realised it meant Unwanted. Initially I thought it was all to do with being unwanted by my Father, but I realised it was being unwanted by myself. Years spent not wanting to be me. Telling myself that I wasn’t worthy of a life I believed belonged to others. Then one day it changed.
Why not me
I asked the question over and over and for every answer I gave I said “Whyyyyy, Why not me?”. Until I finally felt the internal shift. It shifted from being undeserving and feeling like a victim. It was like a hot ball of anger rising in my belly. How dare I do this to myself. How dare I limit myself like this. Yes, I may not be the brightest star burning in the night sky, but doesn’t mean I should snuff out my own light and who knows I may unknowingly be guiding a ship home to the harbour.
Everything I had told myself before was coming from a place of fear. I was comfortable where I was. As I said earlier I had made it a part of my identity. I was lazy, inconsistent, unorganised. As the saying goes ‘better the devil you know’. I didn’t like the way I treated myself but I was used to it and that was just the way it was.
It’s My Narrative
I think it was during one of Candice’s teatime sessions, that she spoke about the fact we are in charge of our own narrative. We are the authors of our own stories. In many ways I’ve been writing my story half arsed. Not anymore. We only get one shot. I want my star to shine as bright as it possibly can. I’m not waiting anymore for someone else to make me happy or to drip feed the information to make me live the life I want to live.
It is a work in progress and I’m certain there will be days I will want to just let life happen to me and to not take responsibility. Some days the most I will achieve will be putting the washing away. But along as that is balanced with with days where I am on fire then I am happy with that.
I can not explain how empowering it is realising that I am the one running the show and although my past ultimately will have shaped me as a person it does not define me. The very thing that I believed held me captive has ultimately ended up giving me the greatest type of freedom. The freedom to begin truly living.
I am really looking forward to the self discovery that is going to take place over the next few months. I would love for you to share this journey with me. If you are in a similar place then hopefully we can support each other and if you aren’t quite here yet, maybe I can be a source of inspiration. Because if I can make these internal shifts believe you me, you can too. Thank you for reading this. It genuinely means a lot to me.
Much love and many thanks