Changing My Personal Narrative From Within

The Blue Print

If you asked most people that know me, especially those on social media, they would probably describe me as a positive person. I would agree that I have a positive persona, but to those that really know me. They know I am often riddled with Self doubt and Fear.

This self doubt and fear often leads to me self sabotaging. This way of thinking had lead to me believing the things I said about myself. They became a part of the way I identified myself.

Disorganised

Inconsistent

Undeserving

I was constantly worried that I was taking up someone else’s space, that I was using resources which would be better utilised by someone else. Someone more resourceful, talented and creative. Until I started asking “why?

Why?

I was talking to someone about some thing unrelated to this topic when I heard the words “that kind of thing doesn’t happen to people like me!” slip right out of my mouth. My mind kind of did a double take and I had a mini internal dialogue going on where I hastily told myself “We will talk about this later” and I promptly continued my conversation.

Over the past 6 months I have slowly been watching videos and listening to podcasts focusing on positivity and having purpose. It started with minimalism and living intentionally and transpired to any motivational content.

I particularly enjoyed the documentary Minimalism and the Podcast by The Minimalists, videos by Jenny Mustard on YouTube and Allie Casazza’s podcast The Purpose Show. I then came across Candice Brathwaite on Instagram and her ingenious Teatime hosted on Instagram Stories.

I did as I said and over time I started asking myself “why?”, whenever I would think something negative and self limiting I would ask “why not me“. I wanted to find out why I felt the way I did and what exactly I meant by “people like me”.

Did I mean Women? Mixed Raced people? People with four children? What did it mean? I did the work and eventually I realised it meant Unwanted. Initially I thought it was all to do with being unwanted by my Father, but I realised it was being unwanted by myself. Years spent not wanting to be me. Telling myself that I wasn’t worthy of a life I believed belonged to others. Then one day it changed.

Why not me

I asked the question over and over and for every answer I gave I said “Whyyyyy, Why not me?”. Until I finally felt the internal shift. It shifted from being undeserving and feeling like a victim. It was like a hot ball of anger rising in my belly. How dare do this to myself. How dare limit myself like this. Yes, I may not be the brightest star burning in the night sky, but doesn’t mean I should snuff out my own light and who knows I may unknowingly be guiding a ship home to the harbour.

Everything I had told myself before was coming from a place of fear. I was comfortable where I was. As I said earlier I had made it a part of my identity. I was lazy, inconsistent, unorganised. As the saying goes ‘better the devil you know’. I didn’t like the way I treated myself but I was used to it and that was just the way it was.

It’s My Narrative

I think it was during one of Candice’s teatime sessions, that she spoke about the fact we are in charge of our own narrative. We are the authors of our own stories. In many ways I’ve been writing my story half arsed. Not anymore. We only get one shot. I want my star to shine as bright as it possibly can. I’m not waiting anymore for someone else to make me happy or to drip feed the information to make me live the life I want to live.

It is a work in progress and I’m certain there will be days I will want to just let life happen to me and to not take responsibility. Some days the most I will achieve will be putting the washing away. But along as that is balanced with with days where I am on fire then I am happy with that.

I can not explain how empowering it is realising that I am the one running the show and although my past ultimately will have shaped me as a person it does not define me. The very thing that I believed held me captive has ultimately ended up giving me the greatest type of freedom. The freedom to begin truly living.

Final Thoughts

I am really looking forward to the self discovery that is going to take place over the next few months. I would love for you to share this journey with me. If you are in a similar place then hopefully we can support each other and if you aren’t quite here yet, maybe I can be a source of inspiration. Because if I can make these internal shifts believe you me, you can too. Thank you for reading this. It genuinely means a lot to me.

Much love and many thanks

Cherie

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10 Comments

  1. April 18, 2018 / 11:27 am

    Wonderful blog! I found it while surfing around on Yahoo News. Do you have any tips on how to get listed in Yahoo News? I’ve been trying for a while but I never seem to get there! Appreciate it

    • April 21, 2018 / 5:22 pm

      Hi
      Thank you so much for your kind comment. I am glad you have enjoyed the content I have been producing. I had no idea I was listed on Yahoo News and therefore have no tips on how to get your content published on there. I wish you the best of luck finding out. I Hope you come back and check out my new content.

      Cherie

  2. January 14, 2018 / 7:27 pm

    This is an amazing story of self reflection. You absolutely are the guiding light to your sons, your husband, your friends, always remember that.

    The aspect of owning your own narrative and not living in your story (usually something destructive or negative from the past), is something we all need to work on, thank you for reminding me of that and thank you for sharing some resources.

    I look forward to reading more about your journey. Take care Cherie.

    p.s.where is the ‘like’ button on your posts?

    • January 18, 2018 / 11:57 pm

      Hi Margaret,

      Thank you so much for reading this post and taking the time to comment. It truly means a lot to me.

      Thank you for all your encouragement. I am pleased that I was able to remind you that we are able to re write our own narratives. It is a constant journey of self realisation . I hope the resources were useful.

      Thanks again

      Cherie

  3. January 12, 2018 / 10:52 pm

    Another thought provoking and honest post Cherie. I too am doing lots of work on this as I don’t want my conditioning to be subconsciously passed on to my boys. I’ve developed a sunny side up world view in response to my inner critic for other people but have always been full of self-doubt and quick to judge myself unfairly. One of the most eye opening things I read was when E was about 3 ”the way you speak to your child becomes their inner voice” and I vowed he would never speak to himself they way I speak to myself. It’s a slow and painful journey but so valuable – we’re raising the leaders and peace makers of the next generation after all :o)
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    • January 18, 2018 / 11:53 pm

      Hi Nic,

      Nice to see you (virtually). You raise so many good points here. It’s so true about our voice becoming our children’s inner critics. I found with my Mum, she was always my cheerleader, but the way she spoke to and about herself really impacted me. She was amazing to me and I often heard her talking down about herself and I thought I am not even half the person she is and that made me harsher on myself. Not sure if that makes sense?

      Like you said it’s a slow and painful journey, but so so so worth it!!!

      Thanks for stopping by.

      Cherie

  4. January 12, 2018 / 11:35 am

    Hello ,

    I saw your tweet about animals and thought I will check your website. I like it!

    I love pets. I have two beautiful thai cats called Tammy(female) and Yommo(male). Yommo is 1 year older than Tommy. He acts like a bigger brother for her. 🙂
    I have even created an Instagram account for them ( https://www.instagram.com/tayo_home/ ) and probably soon they will have more followers than me (kinda funny).

    I have subscribed to your newsletter. 🙂

    Keep up the good work on your blog.

    Regards
    Wiki

    • January 18, 2018 / 11:49 pm

      Hi Wiki,

      Thanks for stopping by. I am glad
      That a tweet lead you here. Thank you for taking the time to leave a message.

      You cats sounds adorable. I am
      Not an animal person (well per person) but I wish I was.

      I hope to hear from you again soon.

      Cherie

  5. January 11, 2018 / 4:06 am

    I could feel your emotions while I read this piece. Personally, I never suffered from prolonged self-doubt. Why? Because there are so many people in the world ready to put us down. You only really have yourself to fight against it. And if you’re kicking yourself while already being on the ground… it’s going to be really hard for you to get back up. So believe in yourself. Do good and you’ll be on fire!

    • January 11, 2018 / 6:51 am

      Hi Floatinggold

      Thank you, so much taking the time to read my post. I have always been really lucky and have always had people that have believes and supported me. I think part of me has always been scared to achieve to let them down. If I only let them down by not trying then it isn’t as bad as trying and failing. Or at least that is how the story in my head has always gone.

      I am so glad that I am changing that. That I am taking the power back. I want to set an example to my children too. You make a very valid point that you truly only have yourself to fight against and finally I am not only ready to fight, but ready to win too.

      Thanks for stopping by.

      Cherie

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