The Back Story
Sean and I have been together for thirteen years next month… We will have been married nine years in August. Seriously, where has been he time gone? In that time we have had 4 children. We’ve had health problems, multiple miscarriages, moved house more times than I can count. We’ve probably changed hundreds of nappies and lost thousands of hours of sleep. Like many couples who are in the midst of, what feels like the eye of the storm a.k.a raising young children. And learning how to adult we kind of got lost in the daily grind.
The past six months it feels like something has changed and practically speaking it has. Ezra has moved from the baby stage into the toddler stage, I learnt to drive and Sean started his Masters. Going from a job he had been doing for ten years to ensure we had an income to support me staying at home. To him starting a Masters in a field he is enthusiastic and passionate about [gaming]. Has had a huge impact on his mood and his general happiness levels.
We are now at a point now where we are finally moving on from survival mode and are starting to look forward to living the life we both want. We are back in a place where we are starting to enjoy each other’s company and communicate as Partners, Husband and Wife and not just as Mum and Dad. One of the things that I have noticed is the way that we communicate. I ask about his day, because I am genuinely interested to hear about his course, although I may not understand every detail. It interests me how this has captivated him and how much happier is makes him. We talk lots about this blog and he is really supportive. We both have our own little ventures away from the children and it’s nice to have these to talk about.
I realised recently when I talk to my friends about Sean, I am quick to point out his flaws and the negatives in our relationship. I will moan about he doesn’t do bath time or that he only reads one story whwn he does does bedtime. I conveniently forget to mention he goes to university full time and works a delivery job at the weekend, so I don’t have too.
I complain that I have to make sure the kids get out of the house every weekend. Not mentioning than when he isn’t working he is either finishing off university work or working on his website and portfolio to stand him in a better position to be employed as soon as he finishes his course. I don’t mention how he will come downstairs and unprompted make the boys all cheese on toast, omelettes or toasties or how he will come home with shop bought pizzas and bags of popcorn so we can all watch a movie together.
I am so used to talking him down, a patterned formed from when things were harder that it’s only just now that I am realising it has kept my heart almost hardened to him over the years. I’m realising the influence my external and internal words have had over me and our relationship.
Now that we are in a better place I am choosing to use my language to express that. Thanking him for small things. Like letting me lay in and getting the boys breakfast, all the unprompted cups of coffee, writing a meal plan and shopping list. I am also actively complimenting him, which sounds so much unromantic
. I always assume that he knows I still find him attractive, but I have started to tell him when something looks nice and to comment when he has a shave, tell him that a particular cut of jean looks good on him. I feel like I am speaking love, kindness, respect and passion back into our relationship.
It’s not perfect, it never will be, but it is ours and sometimes I think we need a reminder that marriage takes work. We have to choose to put the effort in. When we take small steps, like I mentioned above it can have a big impact. It’s hard especially when you see all these couples that seem to get on all the time and have all these in jokes and references and you feel like all you and your other half do is bicker about who has it harder and who had the worst sleep.
I plan to continue focusing on the positives and to keep lacing my language with love. To make the effort and to tell and show my Mister that he is loved. ❤️
Does any of this resonate with you? Do you naturally speak quite negatively or even just never really highlighting the positives. Have you made this change before? How did it change things. Lets chat in the comments. I don’t think their is enough open dialogue about what marriage is really like. What do you think?
Much love and many thanks