I don’t know if sharing this is the right thing to do? I apologise if it is a little too raw for some. But we need to talk… About me.
Last year I was struggling. To the point more than one friend suggested I go and see the GP. I was certain the issue was my hormonal based birth control. So when that changed in December and I entered January feeling like I could achieve anything and everything. I confirmed what I had been hoping, it was the birth control.
But here we are in March and although I am going through some personal issues that are undoubtedly affecting my moods. It’s back. That feeling. The emptiness in the pit of my stomach. And even more heartbreaking, I can see the cycle repeating itself. It always does.
I have long suspected that I suffer with what I call low level/ functional depression. I feel so done right now. I just want to say I don’t want to harm myself. I just don’t want to feel what I am feeling right now. I know this will pass. It may be in a few days or weeks or months, but it will pass. The intensity also fluctuates throughout the day. I feel so frustrated at the way that I feel. I have so much to be grateful for.
What I am I feeling
But I am tired, of being positive, of being strong, of being me. Constantly ending back in this place. I am angry that as I feel myself spiralling the first things to go are the things I need the most. I hate being stuck in my head. I love company, because I can drown it all out with the voices of others.
I have some amazing things coming my way in the next few weeks, but in all honesty all I feel is dread. It’s a kind of emptiness. I know when the mist clears and I can see more clearly and I re read these words I feel like I over exaggerated. But right now this is how I feel.
I wanted to share this post incase anyone else is feeling like this. Maybe start some conversations? To show that what you see on line, isn’t always the full picture. To show I am struggling too. I know I will be OK. I always am. But right now it sucks!
One major thing I am feeling right now is overwhelmed, with life in general. With stuff and the feeling of being consumed with things and stuff. I am going to be focusing on minimising again as I felt that really helped before. I am going to start with my phone, apps, emails, photos etc. I will also focus on the stuff in my house and the thoughts in my head. Even just writing this down has helped.
I haven’t written this for attention. Please know I have lots of people around me I can turn to if I started to feel it was more than I could cope with. I just wanted to say, I’m not OK and that is OK.
Much love and many thanks